Details of the last post

Well I wouldn't want to disappoint my fans!

1. The size of a person does not relate to how much noise they can make
e.g big person-big noise little person-small noise...not in my house

. 7:30am alarm . Light switch (trust me turning on one can be loud) . Bedroom door open, shut . Bathroom door open, shut . Bedroom door open, shut . Down the stairs bang, bang, bang . Kitchen chopping noise on glass chopping boards . Blender on . Stomp upstairs . Bedroom door open, shut again (n.b blender is still going) . Cupboard doors open, shut . Conversation on Skype with the special treat of hearing both sides of the conversation (n.b blender is still going) . Walking around (frames on my walls move) . Dash/stomp down the stairs turn off blender . Bash around in kitchen . Up the stairs . More kerfuffle . Downstairs this time in heels, walk on wood floor for a bit, maybe in circles just to drive me mad . Front door slam once....twice...three times= house shakes, brickwork crumbles and frames shake again.

2. i-pods cannot survive flotation in Rum and Coke
Being savvy at this year's festival we mixed drinks before going in, like heading to the park when you're sixteen with a bottle that everyone thinks just has coke in it but you know the wiser and get so fucked out of your head your older brother comes to the rescue. Back to i-pod untimely departure; The bottles are mixed and put in a cooler bag, slung on a shoulder and off we go.
"honey is there something dripping down your leg"
"o shit yeah"
Unzip cooler bag to a small pool of the deadly coke variety and floating like a little trooper drowning in the alcohol an i-pod. If it had a voice it would be really little saying "help" "help"
O shit too late, it's done for and even putting it in a vacuum sealed jar of rice to dry out didn't save the little bugger.

There's a message here; don't put all your valuables, including return home train and coach tickets in one place with an unopened bottle of rum and coke.

3. Morphine makes me want to dance
I was given it at my recent hospital stint.

Where you become accustomed to the sound of the drug trolley (8am, 2pm and 8pm) Then there's the bp monitor sound on wheels, the whisking back and forth of curtains and nurse saying something cheerful to you in your already sleepy drugged state, the snoring at night (I don't give a f if you're sick) and the sound of vomiting o that's a nice one to wake up to.

Getting back to Morphine, I slugged it back one night, needed it! Hour later getting up to visit the bathroom, is that music I hear? Maybe just me, yes there's music in my head and I'm moving to it. Ok this is odd, head to bathroom, light on wow it's bright. The music plays I'm bopping my head, I feel great yes I do, I can go home now. Looking in mirror, weird. Moving my body to the beat. Ok back to bed before I start to break into rave dancing on the ward!

When you spend time in hospital there's not much to do, it's like time has been removed with the exception of drug rounds, mealtimes and 2pm granny nap time. Very quickly you realise you are not in control and you can wait for HOURS and hours for a very simple thing. You have a tube in your arm and the drip is finished and it starts to fill up with blood er hello someone, anyone can you take this f**king thing out of me! 3 hours later...you get the idea

The food in hospital is a law unto itself, think school dinners but worse. I am an adult now I can shop I don't want to eat vegetables boiled for 20minutes thrown on the floor, picked up, boiled for another 5 minutes, just to be sure and served. With potatoes of all varieties, boiled, fried, baked, mashed (or something) all to within an inch of their life, no wonder a person finds it hard to poo and then there's the meat or whatever that was. Pudding=any sort or dried out sponge with custard, they love custard.
Fruit=no
yogurt=no
biscuits=yes
tea/coffee=constantly herbal tea=no
There was a woman with a nutritional coordinator vest on, "erhm excuse me but a few pointers about food and health"
One dish I need to write about is macaroni cheese that was given to me, ok how wrong can you get it pasta and cheese? But this one had fish in it, fish! wtf I was poking at it and a nurse comes in of Dawn French's size and say's "that looks disgusting, I'd come out of here a skeleton" yea I doubt that somehow, she'd find was to sneak food in like I did.

The nurses are like a gang of teenagers but also a bit like your mother but not

MRSA o no the super bug (well this is an English hospital I'm writing about)
It's Wednesday morning I'm slowly coming out of my drug haze and the woman opposite me is whisked away. Now I know she's not going to surgery as you become accustomed to the in and outs of other patients (Surprising what people can hear through a curtain!) Then I am told there's been an mrsa outbreak, start feeling like this 28days later? I am swabbed and then whisked away into isolation. I have my own room and I'm lying in bed (as usual) thinking omg this is it, I have the super bug. Turns out I didn't but I had two days of being confined to a room in secure lockdown, with nurses coming in decked out with gloves, aprons, masks and watching people sterilise and wash their hands again again and again...In retrospect some of that morphine would've come in use then.

So I have my own room, it's awesome now my walls have got smaller and I have en-suite ahh nice I think, but no there's still that hospital smell, massive pack of cardboard bed pans (I didn't have to use) an adjustable seat so I can sit in the shower because who would want to stand and just when I think I will truly go mad the 7th millionth doctor I have seen comes in to tell me I'm going home, great I think now I just have to wait for HOURS to get discharged!